


The Career Criminal and The Land Owner

by ZeroToWeirdo



Series: Hartwin Meet-Cutes [3]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Eggsy is underage at the beginning of this fic but he's almost 18, F/M, Fluff, Get it?, M/M, Meet-Cute, Not sure if this needs tagging but here goes, Panic Attacks, Past experience with homophobic behavior, Reference to Child Abuse, also humour, i hope its funny, its meant to be funny and awwww-inspiring, just mentioned in passing, nothing graphic, they don't do anything at all while he's underaged
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4782692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZeroToWeirdo/pseuds/ZeroToWeirdo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of them is a career criminal, if that even counts as a career, while the other is a land owner. This will hopefully end in anything but tears.</p><p> </p><p>Basically a series of meet-cutes after I randomized different occupations, two at a time, on some website somewhere. Proving that Hartwin is compatible with, really, any scenario whatsoever, in every universe explored and unexplored.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Career Criminal and The Land Owner

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up, if anyone is touchy about certain things, I mentioned a few things in passing including:
> 
> 1) Past experience with homophobic behavior  
> 2) Someone having a panic attack  
> 3) Underaged Eggsy being hit by his stepfather  
> 4) Eggsy is underaged by like 2 months; he and Harry do absolutely nothing sexual (this is fluffy-fluff) but if that upsets someone, I'm just letting you know.
> 
> Also be warned that I dropped a few t's and such according to the Eggsy-voice in my head and honestly, I am ashamed at my attempt at more or less chav-speak, except slightly more legible. Forgive me, I'll never do it again. 
> 
> That's about it. :D please enjoy

Eggsy wasn’t prepared for the alarm that when off when he started the car’s engine. He was out of the seat and bolting down the road as if the entire car was on fire. He could hear someone shouting at him to stop, which (obviously) gave him more initiative to step it up a gear and vault over the nearest wooden fence near him. Damn Dean and his stupid demands. A BMW M6 Coupé on his first week hotwiring? And he wanted it by sunrise? Well, all he was getting today was a call from the cops that his stepson was in jail for trying to help out in the ‘family business’. No devil in Hell could out-cuss Eggsy now as he vaulted over the next fence into another house's garden area.

 

He paused and listened. Where they still looking?

 

“-saw ‘im somewhere ‘ere-”

 

Well, fuck.

 

Thinking fast, Eggsy eyed the house he was standing beside. Darkened windows, no car in the driveway meaning probably no one was home (who lived in London and didn’t have a car?) and there was an open bathroom window a few feet over his head. He decided that even if someone where home, he could just quietly wait in the bathroom till the people left. Decision made, he scrambled up the wall quickly and slid into the bathroom, landing on the toilet seat as quietly as he could before stepping off onto the tiled floor. Blinking and feeling around, he tried to get his bearings while adjusting to the darkness, looking for the wall or something to guide him. He was just beginning to properly make out objects in the cluttered bathroom, when his hand touched something furry and he caught sight of the thing over the toilet.

 

Policemen and angry car-owners and Dean fled his mind instantly and he did probably the stupidest thing he had ever done in his life, and he had done plenty of stupid things.

 

He screamed.

 

Well, more like shrieked; there sounded like there was a hint of yodelling involved as well. He wasn’t entirely sure if the shriek was done in any specific language other than complete and utter fear, but if words _were_ used, he suspected they probably incorporated the words ‘bloody’, ‘Jesus’, and possibly ‘mom’. Shit, Eggsy couldn’t breathe properly; it was like his chest refused to expand after letting out all his breath in that one ungodly cry. Had the damned bathroom always been this small? Were the walls moving closer, or was that just him?

 

Tripping backwards towards the door, he clawed at the door knob in his hands, unable to get a grip of the damned thing and unable to stop looking at the STUFFED DOG OVER THE BLOODY TOILET JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK!

 

The door swung open inwards (Eggsy had been pushing the entire time, like the numpty he was) and Eggsy didn’t even think twice before tripping through into the brightly lit hallway and into the arms of the person who had freed him from there. It took a while for Eggsy to realise a few things, once he had calmed down a little.

 

1)     He was holding onto someone rather tightly and cry-babbling into their wonderfully soft robe (was that silk? Did tears ruin silk? He hoped not)

2)     That someone was stroking his back and trying to placate him with gentle words, which was very nice of him. He didn’t even _know_ Eggsy, I mean, he had broken into-…..shit

3)     He had broken into that someone’s house and was probably going to be arrested for trespassing and then for attempted car theft or maybe…maybe…

4)     …maybe the man was a psycho and would stuff Eggsy like he did that damned dog.

 

With that conclusion, he shoved the man away and fell backwards onto the floor, wrapping his arms around his knees and making himself as small a target as possible. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any ‘arm, I was gonna leave soon as the people was looking for me left! I swear! Wasn’ gonna touch or steal anythin’, I swear!” he managed to wheeze out through his recovering lungs (how he hated panic attacks) and would probably have continued to deny any intention of stealing from this man, had that very man not knelt in front of him with the softest look in his eyes Eggsy had ever seen, and proceeded to say gently “It’s alright.”

 

It’s alright? Really? Well it really wasn’t, was it? Eggsy was a thief and a trespasser (and a vandal, if you counted the man’s ruined robe as property), and he looked every bit the part with his winged Adidas shoes and stupid cap and his gaudy jumper. But apparently, it was alright. This was bloody ridiculous. That paradox seemed to be enough to make him calm down enough to look at the man carefully. He really did seem nice…and normal. Eggsy's breathing began to calm even further till there was just a slight quiver in his inhalations, making his voice a little shaky.

 

“So you’re not gonna go Buffalo Bill on me?”

“I’m afraid I don’t have a basement.”

“Tha’s not funny, mate…”

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. No, I will not kill you and skin you, just as I did not kill and skin that dog in there.”

Eggsy sniffled a little and smiled.

“You look more like a Hannibal, anyways. More posh and polite. You’re not gonna eat me, then?”

“My dear boy, I hardly know you.”

 

Now Eggsy couldn’t suppress the chortle and rested his forehead against his arms and knees as the wet chuckles echoed in the hallway. What a horrible joke. After his laughter subsided, he peeked over his arms to find a rather amused and relieved looking man staring back at him. “Well, this is embarrasin’.” Eggsy muttered. The man tutted and stood up quickly. “None of that, now. Come, now that you’ve calmed somewhat, we can have some tea in the kitchen.” He turned with a swish of his robe and walked down the hallway and into what Eggsy presumed to be the kitchen.

 

It took a good 2 minutes before Eggsy gathered himself enough to stand up and follow the man, and he was greeted with said man pouring hot water into two mugs and setting down a small sugar jar between them on the kitchen’s island. He indicated vaguely at the tall stool near one of the mugs and Eggsy hesitantly sat down. “I must say, that is one of the more interesting responses I’ve had to my choice of décor in that bathroom.” The man chuckled as he took his own seat opposite Eggsy.

 

“Why DO you 'ave a stuffed dog in your bathroom?”

“It’s a rather long story, but basically me and that dog have a rather dramatic history and when he passed away I didn’t quite want to ever forget it, so I paid a taxidermist to preserve him and he’s been in that room ever since.”

“Tha’s _really_ weird, you realise?”

“Just about as weird as breaking into people’s houses, I presume?”

 

Eggsy blushed and looked down at his tea, stirring it far more than necessary considering how he hadn’t even put any sugar in yet. He hadn’t dared to reach over the table and get it.

 

“Tell me your name?”

 

The fact that the man had seemed to mean it as a question, and that he had said it in such a calm tone, made Eggsy blush even more.

 

“Eggsy.”

 

“Well, Eggsy…might I know why you decided to grace me with your presence tonight?”

 

And really, Eggsy had no possible excuse for the next stupid thing he decided to do, but he did it anyways.

 

He told the man about the BMW, and the people looking for him, and Dean, and the police, and his mom and Daisy and why he felt he had no choice. He somehow managed to tell him about his father as well; the brave soldier from Eggsy’s distant memory who had died in the military. He talked about how he wanted to join the marines himself, but he wasn’t 18 for another 2 months, and even then he was worried about leaving his mom to Dean. He talked about how he hated his name, Gary, but he loved his last name and was severely disappointed that Daisy was born a Baker and not an Unwin. He talked about what it felt like to fly through the air when he practiced gymnastics, and how sad he was when he had to quit or be beaten by Dean for being a poof. He told him everything.

 

And Harry began to talk too (Harry…such a proper British name, Eggsy should’ve know it would be something like that) about his life as a tailor in Kingsman, where he made suits for the richest people in England. He told Eggsy about the story behind the dog. Harry had come out to his father as gay and for one entire week the man hadn’t spoken to him, until the day he brought in the family dog, Mr. Pickles, with a broken leg and had demanded Harry shoot it to prove he could still be a man. Harry left that day with the dog and the clothes on his back, and he hadn’t seen his father since.

He told Eggsy about his best friend Merlin, who also worked at Kingsmen, and the new recruit Roxy, who was the first woman they ever had working with them but showed so much potential that she had been head-hunted by Merlin straight out of fashion school. He told Eggsy about how Merlin and Roxy were in love, but they didn’t know it yet. He told Eggsy that he preferred walking after seeing a car crash just down the street from the tailor shop and had never ridden a car since. Eggsy called him crazy for that, but Harry just smiled and reminded him that _he_ was the one that had broken into his house only to have a panic attack and bawl his eyes out while hugging the house’s owner.

 

That seemed to make both of them pause, before erupting into peals of laughter, because it really was ridiculous, wasn’t it? Absolutely ridiculous…

 

“I make a shitty criminal.” Eggsy mused, swirling the contents of his second cup of tea. He had to piss, but honestly he didn’t really dare go back to that loo, and he was a little embarrassed to ask to use a different one.

“Then maybe you shouldn’t be.” Harry stated matter-of-factly, as though that decided everything; and maybe it did.

 

They were both silent as they realised the lighting in the room as no longer from the fluorescents overhead but from the sunrise streaming through the windows. “I should go.” There was really no conviction in that statement whatsoever, no matter what Eggsy told himself. “I suppose you should.” There was even less conviction in Harry’s voice, and Eggsy wondered if it was possible to just never leave that table. Was it possible to fall in love with a man in a few hours? As though this situation couldn’t get any more ridiculous…

 

“I really do have to leave, though. I…I suppose this is goodbye?” Eggsy stated as he stood up. Harry nodded, his throat clicking in the silence as he swallowed at nothing, or perhaps he was swallowing his words as he stood up as well. He looked like he wanted to say something, he just wasn’t quite sure what. They both headed to the front door and Eggsy slowly unlocking the door and allowing it to swing open, before turning back to look at Harry. He had a strange smile on his face, like couldn’t quite understand what he was seeing in front of him. The yellow light made his year more obvious, but his eyes looked even gentler and Eggsy really had to stop himself from asking to stay.

 

“I suppose this is goodbye, then?”

“Yes. Do knock next time, Eggsy.”

 

They shared another smile before Eggsy turned and walked down the steps and the driveway to the small gate in front of the house. He was nearly out of earshot when he heard Harry call out his name. He turned in time to hear Harry call out “If you ever join the marines, I’ll write you.” Before disappearing into his house.

 

That shouldn’t have meant as much to Eggsy as it did, really. He went home and (predictably) got the snot beat out of him by Dean. He was fawned over and softly rebuked by his mother. He played with Daisy and didn’t cry out when she energetically punched him in the split lip, instead covering her little fists with kisses till she giggled and squirmed in glee. Yet as time went by, he remembered the promise, and suddenly joining the marines was one of the only things that mattered, aside from Daisy and his mom. He stopped helping Dean out and even though that earned him another lashing or five, he remained adamant and the man grudgingly left him alone. He worked out and built his endurance in preparation for his enlistment (one month to go). He told his mother and she cried and argued with him for a total of 28 times before she accepted that this was what he was going to do.

 

A week after his 18th birthday, his mother and Daisy saw him off to the bus station where he would hop on a bus and for basic training. She cried, and Eggsy cried, and Daisy cried too though she probably wasn’t sure what was going on. His mom promised to write; Eggsy wasn’t sure if he should be worried that her promise had excited him less than the promise he had received just two months before. It didn’t matter, no one needed to know.

 

Basic training was hell on earth, but his preparations had helped him adapt quickly and soon hours of grueling torture turned to weeks of hard training, and eventually two months of routine he was beginning to embrace as his new life and one that he could definitely get used to. It was about the third month into training when he heard his name being called for mail. Not odd, considering how his mother wrote him whenever she could with pictures of Daisy and their new pug, JB. Except, the person on mail duty was holding two envelopes in his hand.

 

His heart jumped to his throat when he saw the cream-coloured envelope on top of the simple mail-room bought striped envelope that was sure to be his mother's. Embossed in the corner of the envelope were the intricate initials ‘H.H.’ and on top, in beautiful penmanship was Eggsy’s name.

 

Eggsy wasn’t sure how long he had stared at the envelope before he finally moved to his bunk and laid down. He tried to gather the courage to open the damn thing and read it. He opened his mothers and read hers, hoping that seeing Daisy and JB would calm his nerves enough, but it didn’t. He laid awake past curfew the usual curfew, staring at the ceiling, thinking about what could possibly be in there, how Harry had figured out he was in the marines, if Harry had even known for sure that he was in the marines or he was just sending a letter on faith that Eggsy had followed his dreams. The sky was beginning to lighten when Eggsy decided to leave his bunk and head outside for some air, the cream envelope held in his hands gently, lest he crease it. The cold bite of the air and the slight yellowing of the horizon brought back those memories. Memories of crow’s feet hedging soft and kind brown eyes, or a slight curve to pink lips as if Harry wasn’t sure if he was amused or just happy.

 

He hoped Harry was happy.

 

He opened the letter gently, a little sheepish that he had taken so long to rally his courage (he was a marine, dammit, or at least would be soon). The letter was written on line-less paper, but of course the handwriting was perfect, making Eggsy snort and mutter ‘posh git’ under his breath. Then he read the first line.

  

“Dear Eggsy,

I’ve missed you.”

 

Eggsy was in love. It was ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous…but God, was Eggsy ever glad for it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: Lookie, I joined Tumblr! Not saying I'll put anything special there like fics or gifsets, since I'm a super-noob, but it might be nice to check it out? I dunno...was just a thought. You can check me out at [my tumblr](http://zerotoweirdo.tumblr.com/) , I'll follow back and we can talk and stuff, maybe swap prompts and inspirations, or just geek over out OTPs ;D
> 
> Edit: NSFW CONTINUATION OF THIS FIC! What I'm saying is, I wrote one. Just a small voice kink smut for Spatzi. If you want to read it, you can find it at [We Will Make Him Run](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4983628).
> 
> Cheers!


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